WHAT IT’S LIKE
it’s like your walking in a tunnel. it’s dark and cold.
It’s like you can see the light, but it’s so far away,
and you can’t focus on it.
it’s like your sitting in a tiny room
It’s like the air is thick and heavy.
It’s like your screaming but there is no noise.
It’s like your tiny, and everything is big.
It’s like everything is always wrong.
It’s like theres a butterfly where your heart is.
It’s like something is wrong, but your blind to seeing it.
It’s like you left the oven on, but your in another country.
It’s like no matter how many times you check, the oven could still be on.
it’s like everyone hates you, even if they say they don’t.
It’s like no one can see you, and your wounded on the floor.
It’s like you always do everything wrong, all the time.
It’s like I can’t even explain it.
You re-read texts 10 times, incase it’s not good enough.
It’s being too scared to ask a question.
It’s you can’t breathe.
no wait you can’t breathe.
your going to die because you can’t breathe.
it’s embarrassing because you can’t breathe.
It’s horrifying quesitons.
it’s ‘why don’t you live with your mother?’
it’s like every second thought
and every thought in between.
it’s like everything is so much harder than it is.
it’s not being motivated,
it’s not being able to sleep,
it’s sleeping too much,
it’s being lonely,
it’s not being able to cry.
It’s like wanting people to know,
it’s not wanting anyone tyo ever know.
It’s your whole life.
it’s my whole life.
It’s not drinking in general, I’m about to go out drinking and that doesn’t make me uncomfortable. I’m fine if i’m drinking too. It’s just when I’m not drinking, and other people are, it makes me feel like shit. and I don’t like it, and I don’t understand it, and I don’t like that.
There are things that make me uncomfortable.
I think maybe I’m screwed up.
I can’t explain why it makes me uncomfortable though, so I can’t ask for consideration to not feel this way.
I just have to keep it pushed down and not let it bother me.
But it does bother me.
At the moment my girlfriend and our housemate are drinking. Girlfriend and I watched a movie then went out for a smoke.
Housemate was watching a show that girlfriend likes. I am pretty tired so I decided to go to bed anyway. But I felt gross after working all day so I had a shower. Then I went out for another smoke (part of the bed time ritual) and when I came back in they were drinking vodka. Not excessively either. But it makes me uncomfortable and I can’t tell why.
It’s obviously because of my childhood. My mother was constantly drunk. But they aren’t my mother. And I’m not sure why it’s make my anxiety so bad. Because now my chest is tight and I feel ill. And it’s all because of vodka. And I don’t know why.
I think it’s because I planned on going to sleep, and I figured they’d watch tv for a while, maybe chat and then go to sleep. but now I don’t know. what if they decide to stay up all night. or go for a walk and don’t tell me. Or what ever. I don’t even know. it just makes me panic. I hate that it does this to me too.
It’s not fair that my girlfriend can’t drink without making me panic.
And I try to deal with it as best I can. But she needs to know it makes me uncomfortable.
I think it’s because alocohol makes people unpredictable and I don’t like that.
Also I don’t think a normal persons reaction to ‘we’re drinking vodka’ is ‘Why?’
Because there doesn’t need to be a reason to drink, some people do it for fun. And I know that. logically I understand.
I just don’t know why it makes me feel this way. Help.
I recently got a new phone and it restored from an old back up, from a phone that I had 3 years ago.
I found some writing on it.
I think I forget sometimes that I’m vaguely talented at something. So here it is. What I used to write like.
The water drips down the window.
How do we find that poetic?
Never mind the drama we’re consumed with,
all the ‘facts’ we assume with.
How very human.
What a dreadful condition.
The rain causes emotions,
God knows why,
Simple water makes us weep,
But the miracle of living and we don’t cry.
Again and again we take leaps,
Of faith, and in kindness
We make ourselves cheap.
But it doesn’t make you weak.
Just wait and see.
We put words into lines, and lines onto paper,
Does it matter?
And what about the latter.
But it doesn’t make the pain lessen,
How have we not yet learned our lesson?
We need to feel less, care less,
I’m a goddamn fucking mess.
This is G’s back. We got bored one night and she let me paint her back. I had a lot of fun and it’s a hobby I’d really like to look into! body paint is really expensive though and I’m tight on cash.