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April 21, 2013 / AnnieBellsCan

Etsy, uncomfortable and running.

I tried to set up an Etsy account for my nan today so she can sell some of the crafy things she gets up to.
Etsy is confusing, hard and very complicated. Or maybe I’m just stupid. It’s full of things I hate like postage and handling, and paypal and ‘what kind of wool?’ These are things that I’m not good at. I think I kind of assumed it would be like hey buy my stuff. give me money. Buy my nan that middle-earth scarf for her birthday and be done with it.
It ran me down eventually and now I’m feeling pretty low. I mean I failed at etsy. isn’t that site made up of a bunch of nannas who knit? I wrote a really cool bio for the shop and uploaded a picture of my nan asleep on the couch. I thought it was cute. buuuuut Etsy is hard and I couldn’t handle it.

I’m at my Nans today because I babysat their dog for the afternoon. And I just feel uncomfortable. I lived here. It’s my ‘home’ but I don’t like being here. It’s stressful. I can’t be who I am or something lame like that and I just feel uncomfortable all the time. I can’t remember when this feeling began. It’s not just when I’m here, it’s anywhere. Except for at one of my friends houses. I feel ok there because I’m wanted or something.

It started a few weeks ago when I realised I couldn’t afford to live at my (now previous) house. I organised to move in with my Mum until I pay back some outstanding fees is and can get a place by myself, And ever since then I’ve felt uneasy. Like I have no where to go. I feel homesick for a place that doesn’t exist. I feel like I did when I was a kid staying at a friends for the first time and when it’s time to go to sleep you start to feel sick and scared and you ‘just want to go home’ you’ll probably cry and their parents will take you home and say it’s perfectly understandable you’re aloud to want to go home.
That’s how I feel again. Like my throat starts closing up, and my eyes start to burn. And I just want to beg someone to take me home. I want to sob and cry and sook until someone takes me home and I get tucked into bed exhausted from being so upset.
I just feel homesick all the time and there’s nothing I can do to fix it.
I felt like this when I was a teenager. I found myself in theatre and got buried in it. It was marvelous and it was my home. I don’t have that anymore. So again I feel like I’ve lost my home.I don’t know where I’m going to find it again.

I’ve got an overwhelming urge to run away.
Something different. I just want to go. Make a new place to be. All from scratch.
Put my cat in my car. pack my boot with dvd’s grab a bag of clothes and hit the road. Find a new place to live. Or just live in my car.
I want to leave and run away and make my own life. But I’m too responsible for that so I won’t.

This has been a rant about my feelings more than anything. Sorry it was pretty boring.


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