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April 24, 2013 / AnnieBellsCan

good night / morning… guilt… and fack it’s freezing

So I had a really good night tonight/last night. I got to see 3/4 of iron man 3. Spent some time with people. Stayed in bed till 3pm. And sneakily gave away a garden gnome. 🙂

I stayed in Melbourne last night and it was really nice. I got tea made for me in the morning. And had nice chats with a girl I formally thought was rude. I also went back to bed and we stayed there ‘procrastin-napping’ until 3:30 ish. The day just flew past and it was comfortable and warm and lovely. I think I may have lost my wallet at some point but it’ll turn up I’m sure. 

I caught the train home from Melbourne and was observed by two cheeky little foreign girls that spoke in the most magical and beautiful language (russian I think). The train was pretty full so I sat on the luggage rack eating my hungry jacks. They saw me from a few seats away and walked over (watching me the whole time. I’m not even sure if they blinked) they then sat in the luggage rack oposite me and where watching my every move. I wasn’t showing off, I do it anyway. .. but I must admit the look on their face when I started dipping my chips into my ice cream sundae was adorable. They started whispering in their magnificent language all the while never looking away. And eventually rushed off to share what they had seen me do with their slightly disgruntled looking grandparents.

Later that night I picked up my friend and her friendboyfriend and drove them to the city to see a gig. My friend gave me 20 dollars and I went to see iron man 3!!! They sols out of tickets for the 10pm screening when I got therr at 9:57 haha. But there was a showing that started at 9:30 which was only about 15 minutes in. So I went to see it. Then they wanted to go home exwctly as my movie finished so I caught a train back to my car and they met me there a minute later. Perfect. 🙂 

I’ll go into more detail about lron man 3 later…

 

When I got home at 1:30 my mother was still awake. (I very recently moved back in because of money issues) she was feeling guilty because she made a mistake yesterday and I had screamed at her. It wasn’t the kind of mistake where you don’t realise you’re doing something wrong, or I wouldn’t have screamed… it was the kind where you know youre doing something wrong but you do it anyway. She has this habit of turning her ‘mistakes’ around to be about how aweful she feels for doing it. And you end up feeling so sorry for her because she’s so upset that you forget that she screwed up on you and you’re the one who gets hurt by it. It’s very manipulative and I onpy juat realised this tonight. So I very nicely told her to suck it up. Yes she screwed up. But she doesn’t deserve to feel guilty about it. She wasn’t the one affected by it I was. And its been this way my whole life. Infact no one has ever just let me be upset about it. It’s never what happened to me… it’s always what She did to me. And that stops now. 

She cried and I tried not to. It’s hard sometimes. She’s like a toddler.  I’ve been both my mothers mother, and my mothers daughter for 15 years. And I wonder why I’m confused haha. 

 

Next topic It’s facking freezing tonight. Im wearing my onesy. With a hoody underneath. Knee high socks with my onesy tucked into them. And I have a fleece blanket, a doona, and a feather doona. And im still numb from the cold. How cold is it where you are? 

It’s nearly 5am and I’m still awake. But I’m tired and kind of feel like crying. I’m just scared my tears wohld turn to ice and freeze my eyes over haha. 

 

 

TThanks for reading actually. There’s only a few of you. But it makes me feel kind of worth something.

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