I do not know.
It’s possible that there are so many things wrong surrounding me that I can’t pinpoint exactly what I’m so upset about.
Sometimes I feel like maybe there isn’t anything wrong except I am numb. and to compensate for not feeling anything my brain tries to find something to feel but doesn’t feel those things quite right either. which then seems to just confuse me more.
I go back to the first point though, maybe my confusion isn’t because I don’t know what is wrong, but because there are so many things wrong my brain space gets overwhelmed and decides to try and focus on everything.
I don’t want to feel like this anymore. everything and nothing all at one time. that’s what it feels like. I want to be alone and held at the same time. I want to be loved and yet I wish I was ignored and shunned.
I am being looked after. It is exactly what I wanted. But for some reason I hate it. I am thankful. I understand that it’s what I need. But it makes me sadder than it makes me happy.
Since I can remember I have despised being looked after. I can’t tell you if this is because I looked after myself or because I only got looked after when people pitied me. I don’t want pity. I don’t know what I want. But I do not want pity. and when people look after me, I always feel beneath them. I feel small and little and silly. But people do need to be looked after. so I’m stuck. I don’t know how to feel anymore. I am so confused and I am scared because I can list the things I love on one hand and I don’t want to feel like the things I loved have been changed. or that I have that love returned merely because of pity. I don’t want to hate the things I love.
I don’t like that good things become tainted by doubt and insecurities. I don’t like that good things make me feel bad. That the rare good moments I have end up being more pain than the bad moments.
I’m scared that I’m going to hate the things I love just because my mind turns good things into poison.
I just don’t understand how kind words become saddening. I would give my soul to keep the one thing I cherish from becoming one of the things I hate. So does that mean I should stop loving that thing in order to protect it.
I don’t understand much, in fact all I understand anymore is that I don’t understand.
*when I say love. I mean unconditional, and platonic. No romance needed. People that have made my life better. People that are just so amazing, not even for liking me, but just because they are truly lovely in every other way too.*